


"Despicable"

by ElleElle20



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Awaiting Trial, Death Row, Extreme angst, F/M, Guilt, Love Denied, Pain, Prison, Prisoner of War, Suffering, Survivor Guilt, intense suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:42:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26573947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElleElle20/pseuds/ElleElle20
Summary: Inspired by the song "Despicable" by Grandson
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 32
Kudos: 38





	"Despicable"

The Battle of Exegol was over two months ago. The war had ended. The Rebels had won. The First Order and Darth Sidious had finally been defeated. The rank and file were all decimated.

Everyone had heralded the Last Jedi from Jakku, Rey Skywalker. She was now being called the Defender of the New Republic and exalted by the entire Galaxy as the hope for the new future.

There was a tribunal, comprised of members from some of the Core Worlds, formed to try him for all his war crimes. After his capture, Kylo Ren was currently being held in a maximum, security prison on Coruscant awaiting his trial.

~~~~

Four walls – just four Durasteel walls, a cot, and a holopad he never used.

There were two blue tunics and two pairs of blue pants.

That was all that was in his cell.

He sat and sulked. He wouldn’t eat. He didn’t sleep.

He spent his days using the force to arbitrarily move objects around his cell.

And for that, he would primarily use the clothing.

He spent his days meditating.

He wouldn’t see her. He told the guards he wouldn’t see her.

But what he didn’t tell the guards is that he couldn’t see her.

Merely having her in that cell would be entirely too painful for him.

Having their force bond so close would rip through his chest and threatened to tear him apart.

He told himself she needed to forget him. He told her she needed to forget him.

He thought he was doing her a favor.

He wanted to be found guilty. He paced endlessly in his cell.

He doesn’t deserve her. He deserved to be executed for his crimes.

Every day she came to see him. Every single day. She always did without fail.

It had been two months. The Battle on Exegol was exactly two months ago.

He last saw her two months ago. He truly 'saw' her two months ago.

They had kissed for the first time two months ago.

They had kissed for the last time two months ago.

He wished she had let him die.

It was the one time he had ever attempted to live up to the nobility he was born into.

And he had failed. She should have let him die.

The Resistance had defeated the First Order.

Now he desperately wanted them to finally defeat him.

He secretly wished that they would.

He wanted them to execute him for his crimes.

~~~~

He told her to forget him. She needed to stop coming here.

He always refused to see her. Today was no different.

She would come to see the boy who fell into the sky.

Why couldn’t she see that he was doing her a favor.

He turned his back to the cell doors. Kylo Ren refused to look at her.

The guards taunted and jeered him.

He refused to look at the hero of the New Republic … The Last Jedi from Jakku.

He shut his eyes tightly to avoid the stares from Rey Skywalker. But he felt them.

She pleaded and begged for him to listen to her. He had shut both his eyes and ears.

She begged and pleaded for him to at least look at her. He would not do it.

He hated this – He hated himself. She banged heavily on the cell doors.

He hated her for not letting him die – He wished she had just let him die.

Kylo Ren hated that he couldn’t really hate her.

The guards finally escorted her out.

He hated that he still loved her.

She finally left. He paced in his cell.

He hoped she would stop doing this to herself.

He really hated himself.

It had been the same thing every day for the past two months.

~~~~

A New Republic legal representative who was assigned to defend him came to his cell.

His name was unimportant. He was unimportant. He didn’t matter.

The guards let him into the cell, and he spoke endlessly about building a defense.

He went on about representing the former Supreme Leader of the First Order.

It was laughable. He clearly showed his abject disdain.

It did not interest him at all … Not in the least.

He wanted it all to finally be over. So, he ignored the man who didn’t matter.

He wanted to be found guilty.

He wanted the New Republic to pass sentence and have him executed.

His self-loathing knew no bounds. His self-hatred consumed him.

_Kylo Ren wanted to die._

He never spoke and he never contributed to the conversation.

His trial was in less than ninety days.

The legal representative who was assigned to him left.

He wanted the New Republic to find him guilty of his war crimes.

~~~~

He sat and sulked. He wouldn’t eat. He didn’t sleep. He spent his days meditating.

And occasionally he would use the force to arbitrarily move objects around in his cell.

She came to see him again. She always did. And he had a feeling she always would.

But he had told her to forget him. She would not listen.

One day she will understand. He didn’t hate her – _He loved her._

Her light was too painful to see. He couldn’t look at her. He resisted as best he could.

Rey firmly pressed her forehead to the cell door. She sobbed heavily and he felt her.

Her tears flowed endlessly and there was no subsiding. She was wracked with pain.

He had felt her. He had closed himself off from their bond, and yet he still felt her.

The glass vibrated when….

She placed her hand gently upon the cell door,

imploring him to at least see her – look at her - listen to her – speak to her.

She still desperately wanted to help him.

He couldn’t stand it any longer.

 _ **“Please leave…”** _He turned and finally opened his eyes.

They traveled all over her entirely and….

the sight of her cut razor sharp and deep all throughout his body.

He couldn’t. She needed to stop coming here.

Why couldn’t she see he was doing her a favor?

 _ **“Please.”** _He whispered.

“No! Talk to me – Let me help you, Ben! Talk to me, please!”

 **“Leave.”** He felt her attempt to reach out to him through their bond.

He again shut it closed and kept it that way.

He paced endlessly in his cell.

Ben -- He thought she had given up on that notion…. She needed to

He was not Ben. Ben Solo was dead.

He was Kylo Ren and she would do well to be rid of him.

~~~~

Often other members of the Resistance would come.

They came to gawk … Mostly.

More often the not it was The Pilot or the Traitor.

There had been others, but the two of them came more frequently.

He was their animal in their zoo.

He hated them, too.

He especially hated the Traitor. FN2187 was always trying to speak on Her behalf.

It was ridiculous. He was ridiculous.

The Pilot always spoke of The General.

But he occasionally mentioned Her as well.

He never acknowledged either of them --

Nor did he speak. He never spoke.

They had recently given to feeding him intravenously.

They had resorted to forcing nutrients into him.

Medical droids attempted to sedate him first.

He knew it was because of her interference.

He remembered fondly how she fought against him.

He hated how she now continued to fight for him.

And at night, he could feel her constantly reaching out through their bond.

He would close it.

She was relentless.

~~~~

He sat and sulked.

It was a permanent state for him now.

He felt he deserved this horrid fate for his horrid life.

His horrid crimes.

He refused to see her.

He wished she would meet someone else worthy of her - A Resistance war hero much like herself.

Perhaps a politician with the New Republic would enter her life

and somehow make her happy.

_**Rey.** _

The Last Jedi from Jakku, Rey Skywalker, the Defender of the New Republic.

Even the guards began to champion her futile cause.

“The Jedi is terribly devoted to you.” They would say.

“Be grateful and appreciative.” They would tell him.

“You have someone powerful in your corner.”

They told him often.

He sat and sulked. He wouldn’t eat. He didn’t sleep. He would only meditate.

She came to visit again. She always did.

This time when the guards brought her to him, she looked different somehow.

She seemed armed, she appeared determined.

The guards entered the cell and forcibly brought him to his feet.

They made him face the cell door and held him in place. He did nothing to resist.

He didn’t speak. He never spoke.

She approached the cell doors. She placed a holopad up to the glass.

There was a message written on it in very large type.

It read: _I Will Be Testifying on Your Behalf._

She then quickly took the holopad down and added a new message.

It read: _The Galaxy Needs to Know What You Did._

And he thought

She **NEEDED** to stop coming.

~~~~

Last night he felt her again attempting to reach out to him through their bond.

He was hesitant to close his end of the bond and waited a mere moment before shutting it.

He felt her… _Rey!_

He knew immediately the undeserved warmth and love was completely wasted on him but…

How he sometimes wished that he had --- Chased the Light and Love prevailed.

How he wished they had a different tale.

It was their story not yet written of how they defeated both Snoke and Palpatine.

It was their story not yet written of redemption and forgiveness.

It was their story of breaking the chains of heredity and crafting ones’ own fate.

It was the story of Darth Vader’s grandson and Darth Sidious’ granddaughter.

It could have been a tale which began and was written in the blood of the Supremacy

It might have been their tale born out of the ashes of Crait

It was his own fairy tale and it was all an illusion.

Kylo Ren laid there on his cot.

For only a moment, he had bathed in her light and allowed it to comfort him.

Hope was something he gave up on long ago he reminded himself.

_Kylo Ren just really wanted to die._

~~~~

He sat and sulked. He could no longer eat or sleep.

He spent most days meditating.

Solace…. What is that? He pondered. Another meditation perhaps

I wish she wouldn’t come again today.

She needs to stop coming. When will she realize…?

The Last Jedi from Jakku, Rey Skywalker

Skywalker – how laughable

It always burned in his throat.

It burned like the ashes of the Temple floors.

It burned like the red walls of the Throne Room.

Skywalker -

He never knew what could’ve motivated her.

Her love for the General, he supposed,

Her respect for his misguided fool of an Uncle,

Skywalker – It was madness. An Insult.

She should’ve taken another name…. His.

Pointless to even consider it now.

Which name was his own? The One given – The One taken – The One claimed

He was nameless. He was nothing. He was not worthy.

He was only what they called him now.

And it was of no concern

He wanted them to call him Guilty

_Kylo Ren wanted to die._

~~~~

He sat on his cot. He sat and sulked.

He had been meditating.

This time the guards led her straight to his cell when she came to visit

He was waiting.

He expected her because she always came.

He held up his holopad to the cell door

The holopad he never used.

There was a message written on it in very large type.

He placed it flush to the glass.

It read: _**Let Me Go, Rey.**_

He watched as she fell to her knees in anguish.

Something tugged at his heart.

Her pain was now his again.

The guards led her away.

She should have let him die.

She truly **NEEDED** to stop coming here.

His mind traveled to a place and time where

He might have sent her healing through their bond.

He did not.

It was unsalvagable.

~~~~

He couldn’t eat and didn’t sleep. His body was rejecting the intravenous feedings

What an absurd relief it would be to not make it to the trial.

He teased the humor and the irony from robbing them of the pleasure.

The idea came to him of marking the days on his cell walls.

The idea that was once hers.

Her scribblings, however, were of hope and anticipation.

He would not ever do that. The idea was once hers.

He made different markings on his cell walls instead.

His scribblings were of finality and his own damnation.

The list of all the victims of the Supreme Leader of the First Order

The millions from the Cataclysm of the Hosnian System

His fellow Padawans from the training temple

The Murdered Few Remaining Jedi,

The inhabitants of countless Rebel bases,

Lor San Tekka and his entire village on Jakku,

The Resistance fighters and inhabitants of Takodana,

The Rebel pilots on Starkiller Base,

The Commanding Staff and several pilots aboard the Raddus,

Han Solo, His Own Father’s Murder,

The Resistance fighters on Crait,

His Own Knights of Ren on Exegol,

The Many Uncounted Prisoners of War,

He even included his once former Master, Snoke

And his Praetorian Guards,

He even dared to add Darth Sidious – although it was Her doing

He presumed with his help.

What is one more to tip the scale at millions.

His markings stretched all along the cell walls.

He had begun standing on his cot and adding them to his ceiling.

Her next few visits he desperately wanted Her to see.

He had wanted Her to see. He wanted Her to see his cell walls.

He had written their blood in his own.

~~~~

He sat and sulked. Weary with the struggle he no longer cared to have.

He wouldn’t see Her. He told the guards he wouldn’t see Her.

She came to see him. She always did. They led her to his cell.

He refused to stand. He refused to look at Her.

“Ben!” She cried out. He ignored it.

“Ben, please…” Her agony was so evident in each syllable.

He remained motionless – so very still.

He didn’t speak. He never spoke.

“Ben, you don’t want this. You don’t.” She whimpered. Her chest heaved.

“You can’t possibly want this.”

She turned her face flush to the glass and streaming tears pasted her cheek to it.

Her words grinded like gears into his bones.

Even with their bond closed, he still felt her.

He felt her Heart breaking. He wished he could stop loving her.

He hated that he still loved her. He hated himself even more.

She needed to stop coming here.

He looked up to see the mark left by her wet cheek still there visible upon the glass.

He tasted all her sorrow on his tongue.

She needed to stop coming.

And he was steadily becoming too weak to do anything about it.

He was becoming too weak to even care.

_**Kylo Ren wanted to die.** _

~~~~

He sat and sulked.

Where were these rebel friends she spoke of so often?

Where was the camaraderie she said they all shared?

Why were they not caring for Her?

Her last visit she seemed as though she was imprisoned with him.

She was so pale and thin.

Her eyes were lifeless … No longer color in her cheeks.

She had lost so much of her precious light.

She should know if she’d only let go, she’d be free.

Her torture was now her own.

He knew he was no longer responsible.

He told her to let him go.

He told her he was doing her a favor.

Where were they?

They should tell her as well.

They should keep her from coming here.

They should care for her.

That was a job he had wanted once.

Its’ now clear he was never qualified.

He failed at it – He failed just like with everything else.

The Prince of Alderaan

The rising star of the Jedi Order

The grandson of the Chosen One

The bright apprentice of the Supreme Leader

The Supreme Leader

The Failure

Han and Leia’s greatest achievement, The FAILURE.

There is no honor here.

He looked up at the ceiling of his cell.

_Kylo Ren truly wanted to die._

_And now he wanted to die quickly._

~~~~

It took all his strength to sit up now. Every ounce of it.

He was now malnourished and painfully gaunt and drawn.

His eyes heavy, sagging and dark from fatigue and sleep deprivation.

He no longer meditated. He couldn’t.

He couldn’t even if he had tried.

He could not manipulate the force to move anything at all.

Not even the clothing that was once too tight on his broad frame,

And that now hung from him too loosely.

He no longer had the energy.

There were only two days left before the trial.

Only forty-eight hours

He asked the Maker to end his kriffing misery and suffering.

He wanted the New Republic to find him guilty.

He wanted them to pass his sentence quickly and execute him for his war crimes.

He wanted her to know he was really doing her a favor.

So, he told her “Let me go Rey and … Stop loving me.”

“You must leave Ben behind. Ben Solo is dead.”

“Kylo Ren is soon to be dead as well.”

He told her, “Don’t testify on my behalf.”

“Let them try me and find me guilty.”

“Let them execute me for my war crimes.”

He told her, “Go and Defend this New Republic.”

The Last Jedi from Jakku, Rey Skywalker, Defender of the New Republic.

He also told her, “Find someone else ... Please.

Someone who is good to you.

Find someone to fight new battles with you.

Someone with whom you can build a new future…. A new family.

And NOT someone who was merely a wound.”

He also told her….

“And if I were you, I wouldn’t love me either.

Remember you called me a monster once.

And I told you -- Yes, I am.

_**I’m despicable!”** _

_**He would always tell her all these things.** _

_****_ _**He would always tell her every night.** _

_**Whenever he saw her through his empty eyes.** _

_**Whenever he felt her reach out to him through their Bond.** _

~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> I always "Bow to my Sensei" - MyJediLife! Thank You!  
> Thanks to my "dark and angsty" muse, Somewhere_overthe_Reylo!


End file.
